There is Good Newsfor many difficult marriages.
One of the most devastating items of Bad News is the feeling that you have married the wrong spouse; your marriage is doomed to be unhappy.
This "realization" is bitter as gall. Does the Bible offer any practical Good News to heal a hurt like this?
No one can deny that plenty of people are hurting. Conservative estimates say that roughly half of marriages are doomed statistically to end in break-ups; and those who don't divorce but grit their teeth to endure marital misery is a good proportion of the remainder. When you drive by and admire beautiful houses and well-manicured lawns, you can know that precious few of those palaces are happy inside.
No end of "secrets" and prescriptions for happiness in marriage are published in a flood of books and magazine articles. But there is a method of healing that seems not to get on to the talk shows. It's not a program of things to do, or techniques to memorize and remember. It's this simple idea: Believe God's Good News about your marriage.
There is some. It would be foolish to predict 100% success in every difficulty, but in many cases, happiness can be realized.
That Good News May Well Be Better Than You Think It Is.
Terminating your present marriage and getting into a new one may not be the solution it seems to be, even though you may be strongly tempted to think it is your only possible path to happiness.
I well realize that some who have divorced and remarried say they are supremely happy in their new union. I would not utter a word to lessen their present happiness, or to threaten their new relationship. But God has revealed in His word that till-death-do-us-part marriage is His preferred way of happiness. There's a reason; it's not just His arbitrary decision.
He is gracious and kind to those who have suffered the misfortune of a marital break-up, and this is why some remarry happily. But the facts are that a far greater percentage of divorced people never achieve the subsequent happiness they hoped for.
Some people can drink moderately and manage to control it, but a good percentage of "moderate" drinkers end up with the problem. The same can be said for smoking. Some smoke all their lives and survive to be a hundred; but many develop lung cancer, emphysema, or cardiac problems. This is why love and common sense suggest that the safest, wisest thing is to neither drink nor smoke at all. Likewise, a few divorce-success stories may be lethally counterfeit "good news" for you.
What Good News could possibly lurk beneath the discouraging shadows of an unhappy marriage? The spiritual gloom seems so pervasive that it's like an injection of a nerve-paralyzing chemical. Not a ray of sunshine seems evident. Almost everywhere you turn, the media, TV dramas, novels, the counsel of friends, even sometimes the example of the pastor in the church and the life experiences of elders and deacons, all seem to reinforce the idea: divorce is the only possible solution.
The Marriage Counselor Who Doesn't Charge a Fee.
Now is when one needs a visit with Him who is called the "Wonderful Counselor" (Isaiah 9:6). He has elected to communicate His counsel in the Bible, which anyone who can read is competent to study for himself. But there are truths therein not usually discerned. What we find will probably be quite different from what the "wise" world will advise, because "the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, ... The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile" (1 Corinthians 3:19, 20). God's true wisdom will unfailingly be genuine Good News, the kind that will ensure maximum happiness not only throughout life, but for eternity as well.
The wisdom of the world is Bad News on practically all counts. Conservative statistics indicate that when about a million American couples divorce annually, in most cases that means at the very least two million people are miserable, for although divorce may bring temporary or illusory "happiness" to one of the two, it usually brings misery to the other.
Friends and relatives are touched by the pain as well. Another million will desert their spouses without benefit of divorce; and this adds up to at least three million pained people, and probably more. An additional million couples will decide to stumble along in the agonies of incompatibility, holding together for the sake of children or relatives, but psychologically divorced. And these are where the annual statistics hover.
The saddest news of all concerns the children—another three million "innocent," usually unhappy people. Offspring from broken homes are statistically three times more likely to repeat divorces when they grow up. When kids find unhappiness at home, whether it's the result of a divorce or unhappily married parents, many find their way into the drug culture, and nearly all start off with negative expectations concerning their marriages. These youth are often described as a social time bomb, set to go off in a future decade. Some actually turn to crime and even terrorism. When the tender emotions of children are trampled, the youth often become desperate, and the juvenile courts wonder why.
Altogether, the Cost in Misery of Broken Homes Is Enormous.
Not the least is the hopeless loneliness many survivors endure—down to their last days sitting forlornly in nursing homes, staring empty-hearted at blank walls or TV screens until death mercifully releases them. After the passion-fires of youth are banked in old age, it's nice to have someone who still loves you in a till-death-do-us-part commitment. If you turn out to be one of those fortunate few, you can thank the Savior with fervency, for you have reaped the sweet fruit of believing at least some of His Good News.
We can note at least some Bible news regarding marriage as follows:
1. When God joins a man and wife together, He makes them become "one" for life. The following words were spoken by Christ Himself, His own priceless comment on this subject: "Haven't you read ... that... the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:4-6, NIV).
2. Further Good News is that God, who does the joining together, is very powerful, stronger than the enemy of love.
Therefore God is concerned for the happiness of every married couple. Since He is the One who invented the idea of sex and marriage, He has a vested interest in the success of each marriage; otherwise He gets the blame for inventing a bad idea. (This is probably the real reason why Satan is trying so hard to wreck modern marriages; it's one of his most effective ways of getting at God.) This leads us to another astounding Good News idea:
3. If we have understood Jesus' words correctly, a marriage cannot break up unless one or both of the two parties puts it "asunder" (KJV). A marriage must be willfully dismantled. It never falls apart of itself. As long as God has His way, it will never disintegrate. From this it would not be difficult to conclude that divorce is often a tug of war with God.
Immediately the question will arise: "Suppose I am not the one who is breaking up my marriage—it's my spouse who is fighting against me and God! Now what do I do?"
4. The first thing is to believe that Cod is stronger than your spouse. One marriage partner who truly believes in God (we must understand what genuine faith is!) makes a case of two against one.
5. Scripture seems to indicate that this two-against-one approach to dealing with a troubled marriage will often mean a victory for God and the believer.
Says an inspired apostle, "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
"To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his [believing] wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. ...
"How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:10-16, NIV). The apostle doesn't answer his question, leaving it to us.
6. Not only this: the inspired apostle writes suggesting the definite hope that a believing spouse may perhaps "save" the unbelieving one. If words mean what they say, the Bible is consistent. In the Old Testament God says, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16, NIV), and the Lord's "command" in the New Testament is equally firm against it. According to what we just read, in a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever, the latter is "sanctified," that is, he/she stands in a different relation to God because of being married to a believer than if they were in a completely non-believer relationship. I am not trying to trivialize this divine truth, but it's something like an insurance policy that covers the spouse.
7. In other words, God is actively drawing the unbelieving spouse to Himself simply because He has a believer in that marriage! This is very Good News, and it could pay to believe it.
What the Root of the Difficulty May Be.
Sad to say, the real problem is often that the so-called believing spouse has only a veneer of faith. Self-deception among religious people is widespread.
Consider the case of the Pious Wife. She often was so devoted to church that she went to prayer meeting and tearfully asked the church to pray that her unbelieving husband might become a believer and join the church. And the people prayed.
One Sabbath morning hubby started down the steps dressed in his best suit instead of his ordinary work clothes.
His startled wife asked where he was going. "To church, with you and the children," he replied with a smile.
Out came the words before she could think: "But, darling, if you lose your job because you keep the Sabbath, how will we make the payments on the house and the new car and the new furniture?" Without a word, he went back upstairs and changed into his work clothes, and that was the end forever of his joining the church. A wife who is willing to enjoy the material benefits of her husband's ongoing unbelief can hardly be a believer. This man had felt the drawing of the Lord all those years and wanted to respond; you might say that he was "sanctified" until his "believing" wife displayed her unbelief.
A veneered "believing" spouse (who actually is a closet secret unbeliever) may beneath the surface desire a divorce as much as the avowed unbeliever who openly says he or she wants it. In such a case, it is accurate to say that they both are putting asunder what God has joined together.
But an unbelieving spouse who is married to one who truly believes God's glorious Good News would in all probability be more inclined to want to stay with his/her believing spouse. However, because we all have free wills, this does not inevitably happen, and Paul realistically recognizes that it may not happen. So he says: "If the unbeliever leaves, let him [or her] do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace" (1 Corinthians 7:1 5, NIV).
A Simple First Step.
Believe the Good News that God loves you too much to lead you deliberately into a marriage with the wrong person. If your marriage seems to be a failure, self-examination is in order. Did God lead me, or did I willfully stumble into this marriage on my own, while I turned my back on God? (This agonizing question troubles many.) We learn from the story of Isaac and Rebekah that God actually overrules or even leads two people together: "You have appointed [Rebekah] for Your servant Isaac" (Genesis 24:7, 14, 40, 44).
But even if a believer concludes that he/she has entered into marriage without divine approval, this does not mean that God actually did withdraw Himself from you. And it is by no means proof that God had nothing to do with your marriage. Let me explain:
Even if you were a rank unbeliever at that time, heady and arrogant, rebellious against the Lord and/or against your parents, God foresaw that you would later become converted and be a believer, for He knows the end from the beginning and "calls those things which do not exist as though they did" (Romans 4:17). That means that He had already taken you under His wings before you even dreamed of becoming converted!
That same chapter in Genesis reveals that God had Rebekah in mind as Isaac's happy wife before she had any such idea (vs. 44). And of course that means that God loves you just as much as He loved Rebekah. So, in that ray of light shining from God's word you can look upon your spouse as indeed God's will for you. And then if that's true, consider: all the devils in hell cannot destroy the happiness of your marriage if you believe what God encourages you to believe is true.
This does not mean that God "arranges" your marriage as Hindu parents do. It's your own personal experience of love that has brought the two of you together—but the God of love inspired it. It only means that His love is deeper than we had ever thought it is.
Let us not forget that God's enabling grace, working in and through the believing partner, can bring good out of a bad situation. At every step such a partner will ask: Is this the way of the Lord? God promises wisdom for those who ask this in faith (see James 1:5, 6). There are instances in which the believer who has followed this plan has been instrumental in bringing the estranged unbeliever to Christ— and both have again fallen in love with each other in the process.
Marriage Couldn't Be Fun if Both Partners Were Perfect.
Probably ninety-nine out of every hundred couples discover unsuspected weaknesses and faults in their marriage partner soon after marriage. A couple with that faith in God will believe that they are well mated in spite of mutual defects.
By recognizing that no one is perfect (after all who can claim to have no faults!) and by God's grace accepting the other person with his or her faults and weaknesses realizing how you have your own, it is possible to achieve domestic harmony. It often happens, as time goes on, that such couples come to realize that these adjustments have been a good experience for them both. (Let's be up front: all couples have these problems!)
When those defects or incompatibilities loom so large that you cannot see hope of ever becoming "one" as God intended you to be, you do have a serious problem. One of the most poignant of these problems is the belated realization that one's spouse is guilty of infidelity. It is generally understood that Jesus gave permission for divorce when there has been marital infidelity, called "fornication" in Matthew 19:9 (KJV). Permission, however, is not command.
Depending on circumstances, as the innocent, believing party reviews the situation with the Searcher of hearts, he may conclude that forgiveness is the best course to pursue for all concerned.
One of the problems involved in cases of infidelity is the problem of trust. Infidelity shatters one's confidence in the guilty party, so that even we forgive him/her, it's difficult for the innocent party again to trust the guilty one.
But even here the grace of God working in and through the believer may make a miracle possible. The innocent party can ever remember that in God's sight no one is really innocent. The sin that another commits, I could commit if I just take my eyes off Jesus.
Here is an example: Shirley had been unfaithful to her husband, and in despair he had hanged himself. Her sister felt like reproaching her for driving him to suicide. How could she do a thing like that! However, this is not the end of the story. Shirley's sister says:
"A few years later in a distant community, I found myself one day flung across my bed, weeping before God, begging Him for strength and protection from immorality. Through an exhausting, agonizing struggle, ... He showed me that I, too, had the potential to be unfaithful. ... I had come to love deeply a man with whom I worked. ... I gradually realized that ... without God's help we were headed for serious trouble. ... We daily had to resist the pull towards physical intimacy. ... It was only the Lord who saved us and resolved the problem. I knew without a doubt I could not have resisted on my own" (Eternity, February 1977, pp. 27, 28).
Another Practical Step of Common Sense.
The Good News is that through divine grace it is possible to resist the weaknesses of the flesh. In many cases this means physically removing oneself from the tempter's ground.
The Blessed Insight of Corporate Guilt.
There are cases where two who have been made "one" by the Lord come to the place where they discover that not one but both in God's sight share in the guilt that threatens to break up their marriage. Unconsciously, the "innocent" one has somehow made it easier for the "guilty" one to fall into the trap of infidelity. This is a deep insight only the Holy Spirit can make plain to one who thinks he/she is innocent.
It is much easier for God's grace to work successfully to help the "guilty" one and bring him or her to repentance and restoration if the "innocent" one has come to see this precious insight of truth. Any semblance of a holier-than-thou spirit is a roadblock that makes true repentance more difficult for the spouse who has erred. Shame and guilt often drives such a one to want to run from a spouse who is "holy." Self-righteousness can be a fatal blind spot.
God's Good News has X-ray perception. If His Spirit discloses that blind spot, rejoice! The pain of such a disclosure is nothing compared to the good that can result in saving a marriage and bringing two alienated spouses together in a deeper love than they knew before.
In cases in which there has been infidelity in a marriage and the innocent party truly believes the New Testament gospel and knows the grace of contrition, God will have a better chance to work a miracle in bringing the "guilty" one to true repentance. Here is hope: "If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself" (Galatians 6:1-3, NIV).
The point is not that one's own sense of self-respect must be shattered to where he thinks he or she is "nothing." But it is a very healthful experience to realize that apart from the grace of Christ, we would indeed be "nothing"! That's the lesson Shirley's once self-righteous sister learned when she found herself falling in love with a man who was not her husband. Her understanding and compassion suddenly began to grow.
The Bible Says "We Are Saved By Hope" (Romans 8:24).
The possibility of the "guilty" person being "restored"— this is the hope that the New Testament offers the "innocent" one who dares to cherish faith. Even though the miracle may seldom seem to happen, it remains a possibility. Perhaps the key to success is to "restore" the wrongdoer "gently," and not in a spirit of bitter accusation or cold "holier-than-thou" indignation. It is fantastic Good News when both spouses are genuinely converted and are again made "one" through a mutual discovery of the power to be found in contrition.
Iverna Tompkins in How to Be Happy in No Man's Land is refreshingly frank regarding her own experience of self-righteousness:
"For us to get married with the loose attitude, 'If it works, it works, and if it doesn't work I'll try again,' is to have the attitude of the unbeliever. ...
"But what happens when you marry and don't make it? Maybe you didn't know how to make it. I surely didn't. I was about as wise as a dove and harmless as a serpent—I had it all mixed up.
"I married a man when I was in a backslidden condition, and while he was overseas, I bore a child and gave my heart back to the Lord. When my husband came home, I had about as much wisdom as would fit into a thimble. I sat him down and said, 'Now, listen here. Let me tell you how things are going to be. We will no longer do this and that and the other thing. You're not going to smoke in my house, because this is God's house. Don't put your beer in my refrigerator. This house is dedicated to the Lord. I won't stand for those things now, and I'm not going to raise our child in that kind of atmosphere.'
"Another child and ten rocky years later, he said, 'Goodbye, Iverna. I'm going to find somebody I can live with.' He did, and they were married, and they've lived happily ever after."
Granted, a "believer" ought not deliberately to marry an unbeliever. After all, "What fellowship has ... light with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14). But let us remember that that "Light ... lights every man coming into the world" (John 1:9) and if the Light is shining in one's own heart, the believer who finds himself or herself "yoked together" with an unbeliever may have anointed eyes to discern that the Holy Spirit is working on the conversion of the unbeliever. It would be a tragedy to scuttle the ship as it is nearing such a harbor.
God is above all a Super Evangelist. Speaking of an unbelieving spouse, perhaps we can be pardoned for applying a verse by Edwin Markham to such situations:
He drew a circle that shut me out,
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout;
But God and I had the wit to win,
We drew a circle that took him in.
A Beautiful Exampleof God's Evangelistic Wisdom.
It's found in Galatians 4:1-5 where we see that He treats unbelievers not as outsiders or as wolves to be shot down as soon as possible, but as wandering sons or lost sheep that haven't yet found their way home.
The figure is that of a child of the wealthy estate owner who runs about barefoot, bossed by slaves; but when he comes of age, he becomes lord of the estate. "Even so we ... were children ... in bondage ... But when the fullness of the time had come, ... we ... receive[d] the adoption as sons" (Galatians 4:3-5).
Happy is the spouse who believes enough in Good News to draw a circle that takes in the unbelieving one, assuming that he or she is a child of God "in minority" on the way to realizing and confessing that sonship or daughtership in God's good time. That's cooperating with God in working miracles!
New Testament forgiveness, whether given by God or by a believing spouse, implies the idea of being loosed from the sin, of actually sending it away. The Greek word is aphesi, which means literally "bearing away." The truly forgiven person is free from the sin, and won't do it again ever.
The Only Way Anyone Can Learn to Forgive.
No one can forgive an erring spouse unless he has first experienced Christ's forgiving grace toward himself. If God invented sex and marriage, He also invented the redemption that centers in the cross. Miracles don't happen unless there is a sense of the tremendous "giving for" that was involved in God's forgiveness, an appreciation of the cost expended at Calvary:
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love [agape], just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 4:32; 5:1, NIV).
In olden times, marriages were happy according as the two parties believed that God had brought them together, rather than their own mutual chemical or social attractions for each other. Their love for each other was rooted in their primary faith in God's leading. When they had the horse before the cart, their faith in each other grew into happy, permanent love.
Isaac, for example, never laid eyes on Rebekah until his father's servant brought her to him from Mesopotamia and was told how she was God's choice for him. His faith concurred with God's leading, and we read that "he loved her." In fact, Isaac and Rebekah's marriage is one of the happiest recorded in the Bible (see Genesis 24:66, 67).
You may have heard the story of the man in Acres of Diamonds who looked all over the world for treasure, only to discover the precious gems in his own backyard. The grass on the other side of the fence may not be as green as it is on your side already.