Ephesians 5:22-33
One of the problems that troubled thoughtful citizens in the Roman Empire was marriage. Even the darkest-minded pagans realized in their hearts that they didn't want the human race to degenerate to the level of animals, even though they knew that unbridled lust would drive them there. There must be some way that marriage could be made to work, otherwise civilization itself would collapse. Paul appealed to this widespread concern.
Thoughtful people today realize the same. Often sexual attraction draws two people together, they marry; then when the novelty of sex wears off, problems arise, and now we have another unhappy home. Often, two live together and holy marriage is forgotten.
Paul faces the problems head on in Ephesus. One of the most precious fruits of believing the good news of Christ is the transformation that it performs in any human heart regarding love in marriage. That was the solution that the apostle gives for Rome's problem. Remember, his idea of agape is tied to his idea of the love that led Christ to die our second death. Can the quarreling husband and wife understand this theology? Paul believes, Yes. The Spirit of God can impart truth to their understanding.
Ephesians 5:22-24
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."
By extracting these verses from their setting, some have thought of Paul as a hard-hearted misogynist. They conjure images of a brutal husband demanding slave-master-like authority over frustrated wives, and then claiming that this is the will of God. Satan wants to spread distorted ideas of the character of God, that He is hard and severe. What does Paul mean by "submit"?
Note: he has just said the same thing to everybody else, using the same Greek word, "submit." He tells everybody, "submit to one another," in the same way he asks wives to "submit" to their "own husbands in everything." Paul can't be asking everybody to be a doormat!
Neither is he asking any wife to become a doormat to a brutal husband. If he can, Paul wants to help believing women not to get tangled up with men of that character! He is simply asking everybody in the fellowship of the church to be Christlike in getting along with each other. Nothing more; nothing less. "Submitting to one another" even before a word is said; choosing constantly to do to others as we would want them to do to us; recognizing that "one another" may have more good judgment than we have; and depending on the gifts the Lord has given each of us.
If the wife remembers that she needs the Savior, she will remember what she needs to do—that submission to Him is what the husband needs, too! Jesus will keep His promise to send both the Holy Spirit; the wife will see in her husband the man that God wants him to become, and she will believe in what the Lord wants to do for him. She will cooperate with what God wants to do for him. And therein she will find her happiness.
That is how in her submission "to her own husband" she will in truth be submitting "as to the Lord." This gives us a deeper insight into how the church relates to Christ as "the Savior of the body." The husband will protect his wife with his own body; blessed is the wife who realizes the role God intends her husband to fill, and who believes that Christ is the Savior of them both. He will hear her prayers for her husband.
In Ephesians Paul is not discussing what a believing wife should do if her husband is an unbeliever, but in 1 Corinthians 7 he gives practical gospel good news to any wife who has that problem. "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the [believing] wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the [believing] husband. ... How do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (vss. 14-16). In other words, don't hinder by unbelief what love (agape) may accomplish!
Ephesians 5:25-27
"Husbands, love [with agape] your wives, just as Christ also loved [with agape] the church and gave Himself for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish."
A later edition of the NKJV does not have "it" for the church, but "she" and "her."
It may be shocking to us to discover that conjugal, sexual love is also agape. No, not lust; this is why Paul is so emphatic that there should be no jesting about sex; it's a serious, even holy, subject, for it is "procreation," that is, something we share with God. When the husband understands what is the character of Christ, he will love his wife with a true love, something far deeper than what we call the "chemical reaction."
For one thing, it's a love that outlasts physical charms (Abraham Lincoln gave Mary Todd a wedding ring in which was inscribed, "Love is eternal"). Someone has written famously that "love is a precious gift which we receive from Jesus," In times now long forgotten, a popular song was titled, "Silver Threads Among the Gold." It told of a love that endures even when hair turns white. The story of Isaac and Rebecca in Genesis 24 illustrates how conjugal love can be true.
- The Lord "sent His angel" to guide in the choice of Rebecca (vs. 7).
- The Lord gave "success" in finding her, and His blessing to what was in fact a blind date courtship (vs. 12).
- The Lord had "appointed" her for Isaac (vs. 14; but that doesn't mean that He wants us to marry someone we can't love! His leading becomes the greatest joy of the one who prays and seeks).
- The girl was a "virgin" (vs. 26; that made it much easier for the Lord to give the happiness He wanted to give!).
- Don't rush into marriage (cf. vs. 21).
- Her parents were consulted; they recognized the leading of the Lord (vs. 50).
- Isaac and Rebecca enjoyed what is probably the happiest marriage of love recorded in the Bible (vs. 67).
An amazing detail emerges from these verses: Paul's expression "not having spot or wrinkle" is a quotation from the little-read Song of Solomon in the Old Testament (4:7, for example; this confirms the inclusion of this book in the canon of the Bible!), Thus Paul recognized that a happy marriage is a picture of what will be Christ's eventual union of heart with His people who form His church in these last days (cf. Rev. 19:7, 8).
Ephesians 5:28-30
"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones."
The use of the subjunctive mood of the verb ("ought to love their own wives") does not mean that this is to be a heavy duty. When temptation comes to a married couple, a thought of the marriage vow is a healthy reminder; but again, victory is more than a legal obligation being fulfilled. What holds a marriage together through thick and thin is the faith that believes, "It was God who brought the two of us together! We must not tamper with His doing!" Then the realization of love can return.
It's the same as when we read that "the Lord brought [Eve] to the man" (Gen. 2:22). It's not superstition that speaks of a marriage as "made in heaven." Every step that leads to marriage is to be characterized by wholesome modesty, so that memories forever after may be happy and pure. It's the memory of God's leading, something more awe-inspiring than mere lust in sex!
A superficial view of what Paul says (taken out of his context) assumes that he is promoting a thoroughly selfish reason for a man to love his wife ("he who loves his wife loves himself"). But Paul's constant emphasis of agape assures us that he is constrained by an unselfish love. He is reminding husbands that God has made the two of them one. Being true to the one whom the Lord brought to him is the sure path to his lifelong happiness; and in his happiness hers is intimately involved, and the children's, too.
Ephesians 5:31
'"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'"
That's not being selfish! When a husband loves her in this way he loves the institution of his marriage, and he loves what God did to the two of them. So in the end, you can say, he loves God too. He simply wants his marriage to bring honor and glory to the One who invented the idea long ago in Eden,
Ephesians 5:32, 33
"This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Why doesn't Paul say that the wife should love her husband with the same agape? Is the apostle being fair?
There may be a profound reason here that is part of the good news of the gospel.
Her role is different. She was not created to be the "house-band" that holds the institution together (the word "husband" comes from that idea). "Rebecca" doesn't go looking for "Isaac." It's "his" place to go looking for "her" and "he" loves his role as God has planned it.
Adam was lonely in Paradise, and wanted to search for some kind of Eve; but she didn't try to woo him. Love is the initiative of the man; woman is won by his love for her. The original plan sometimes doesn't get worked out, but thank God it can be respected and blessed nonetheless. But we must note that very seldom if ever do we read in the New Testament that it is our love for Jesus that initiates our salvation; it's His love for us. Faith is clearly revealed as our heart appreciation of Christ's love for us; therefore faith is taught in the Bible as our healthy response to His love for us.
A woman's devotion is the response to what she perceives is the man's love for her. It's far deeper than a mere emotion; if her husband proves himself a man who commands "respect" (vs. 44, KJV, "reverence"), she will respect him. If he is a worthy man, at times she may even regard him with a mysterious "awe." Her heart will be forever happy in his love.